Marriage problems: Are power struggles destroying your relationship?

Author：佚名 Source：none Hits：37 UpdateTime：2008-10-18 23:25:38


In the past you were single

and you could make decisions without having to check in with anyone.

Your favorite color was red and you liked small, fast cars (as in Cherry Red Sports Car, beloved even though you wrenched your back getting in and out);

The one bedroom apartment felt "cozy" and "just right," so you signed the longest lease you could get;

You decided to get a tattoo a few Margaritas later, "I love Hank" was scrawled across your shoulder. (Unfortunately, you don't know any Hanks.)

Then "you" became a "we"

when you fell head over heels in love and made a commitment to another person (and a commitment to the relationship). And suddenly the two-seater is inadequate because it can't hold groceries; the apartment is woefully too small for the visiting in-laws; and your significant other gives you a gift certificate for the newest boutique in town: "Tats: You Get 'Em, We Strip 'Em."

You probably wouldn't argue with the fact that certain responsibilities come with being part of an intimate, committed relationship (you now exist as part of an "us," in addition to being a "me"). You could even make the argument that these responsibilities are part of what make being in love so rewarding.

One such responsibility includes consulting with your partner whenever you're faced with an important decision. The thinking here is that big decisions impact both of you, so it only makes sense to ask about your partner's opinions and feelings regarding any potentially important decision.

Major problems can arise when

you equate consulting with your partner with a loss of freedom and control in your life. Relationship problems arise when you fail to learn the give-and-take two-step, the relationship dance all couples must become skilled at in order to create a harmonious relationship.

Here's the basic premise of the give-and-take two-step (don't worry if you have two left feet, it's pretty simple, at least on paper):

Step 1: You give to your partner by acknowledging and meeting her/his wishes and needs.

Step 2: You take (receive) when your partner acknowledges and meets your wishes and needs.

Step 3: Repeat steps 1 and 2 often.

Here's the great thing about the give-and-take two-step: there will be moments when there is no difference between giving and receiving. If it's meaningful to see your partner happy and content, you will experience the gift of receiving every time you give to your partner. No one loses in this dance!

Unfortunately, many fail to learn to do the give-and-take, and there's another dance that many couples start doing instead.

Enter the power-struggle shuffle

The power-struggle shuffle feeds off a destructive "I'm right, you're wrong" energy. In this dance, your ego fights for top billing and equates the idea of "giving to" your partner with "giving in" or losing.